What I wouldn't give

[twilight_lament]

Title: What I wouldn't give
Author: Twilight Lament
Universe: FMA AU
Characters: Envy x Claris

Rating: PG

 

Disclaimer: I do not owe any part of FullMetal Alchemist.


 
 

Claris wasn't stupid.  No infact The Breathing Life Alchimist was quite brilliant.  She knew the human body more than any doctor and understood the careful application of Alchemy to the human body in a way few others, past, present, or future, ever would.  Of course she was in many ways her own guinea pig out of necessity.  The disease that had stolen her Father had been passed onto her and now in her early twenties, Claris Wilder often needed the support of a cane to walk, that is when she could walk at all.  It was a secret that she hardly shared.  It was depressing enough to know that she would probably be confined to wheelchair in a decade (give or take a year or two) and dead in probably less than a decade after that.

But still some might call her stupid if they had known of her friendship (maybe?) with the creature that called itself Envy.  The very creature who was watching her right now as she hobbled across the grass to the part bench he was sitting at.  Though he had shifted into the form of some non descript person, he had left his purple eyes, at her request, undisguised.  Claris did not trust that he did this simply because he liked her enough to grant her the favor.  No Envy was a conniving creature and had probably done as she asked for the purpose of keeping on her good side, to prompt the strange relationship between the two of them.  He wanted something from her.  Of that, Claris had no doubts at all, but exactly what he wanted was something the homunculus had yet to reveal.

He was eternal, and she was finite.  She wondered if he realized this fact, wondered if he realized just how little time she had left in this world compared to him, and well most other people.  Would he forget to ask for this favor that he was grooming her for?  Would he look over her dead, lifeless form years from now and snort in disgust at his own over sight, and walk away from her annoyed at the amount of time he'd dumped into her with nothing to show for it?

Claris issued a long sigh as she sat on the hard, wooden surface.  It hurt  her joints, her muscles, her bones.  Damn it all but she was tired, so very tired.  Her blonde head dips as she bottles the despair, the seeming senselessness of fighting for her own life.  Sure she would make herself comfortable, extend her existence and usefulness, but what was the point?  It wasn't that Claris was afraid of death, nor that she wanted to die.  Pain was nothing to her past an inconvenience, but her solitude weighed heavily on her.  Especially after long nights of research and the pain of her body when she awoke in a chair. 

Today was one of those days.  Her head lifts, showing nothing of her inner battle of upon her face.  Dealing with Envy meant not showing even a flicker of weakness.  Nothing that he could use against her.  Nothing he could use to slip even further past her defenses and mean something to her more than a casual friend who happened to know more about Alchemy, who happened to be extremely vicious.

Her eyes move past him because she didn't want to deal with him at that exact moment.  Instead her eyes settled on a couple across the way who were too lost in each other to notice anything else around them.  She sighed again.  Watching as the man fed the woman a piece of apple with an adoring smile on his lips.  Both of them stretched out over a tacky red and white checked throw on the ground.  Really though it was a beautiful moment and it threatened to pop the cork on her tightly bottled despair.

"What I wouldn't give..." She muttered, not meaning to let the words escape her lips. 

"And just what would that be?"  Envy asked.  He tried to sound neutral, perhaps he succeeded to well.  Claris' eyes swiveled back to him and he felt the scrutiny of her cool green eyes settle so easily, so unabashedly unafraid on him.  She didn't fear him, because she didn't fear death, didn't cringe at pain.  Any physical torture that he could inflict upon her would be no worse than the torture she endured inside her body.    She licked her lips with an air of sadness about her then shook her head.

"Nothing."  She said simply and he believed her.  Claris was a shrewd alchemist who had realized long ago that you couldn't get something for nothing, and something as expensive as unfettered happiness was a price she wouldn't pay.  It annoyed him sometimes, she annoyed him.  No friends, no family and nothing truly dear to her, except perhaps him, made The Breathing Life Alchemist unable to be blackmailed.  Which was why he'd bothered revealing himself to her so many years after pretending to be her mentor.   If she weren't so damn smart and so scarily skilled, he wouldn't have bothered, but Claris stood to make real what others had failed miserably to do.  It's why he stayed, trying to get her to trust him enough so that she would, for no other reason than because he asked it of her.

"I could give it to you, you know."  Her eyes narrowed sharply upon him.  "All that fawning happiness."

"And it would be a lie."  She hissed through her teeth.  Envy realized that he'd hit her in the last place that remained for her to be hurt. He simply shrugged, crossing both arms on the table between them and leaning forward.

"It's always a lie, Claris.  No matter what these fools tell themselves. Emotions are nothing more than random chemical impulses designed in the failed attempt to keep humans from killing each other off."  He looked slightly amused, and cocked his head to one side.  "But if it's what you really want, I'll do it." She snorted in response.

"Nihilist."

"No, I think life has meaning.  Just not that meaning."  He sneered and Claris looked away from him, back at the couple.

"You can't give me that, Envy.  You don't know how."

"I guarantee you wouldn't know any difference."

"No,"  She corrected in a short tone.  "Other people wouldn't know the difference, but I certainly would."  When she started to leave he grabbed her arm, but very gently.  She bruised easily and he did not like to see her in pain.  Envy would never call it affection.  Claris, in his mind, was something he owned, and Envy always took care of his things.  That is until he grew tired of them.  In the back of his head, he realized that it was partly a lie he told himself.  He could manipulate others so damn easily, but Claris saw through his lies deftly, and she didn't judge him harshly for his deceptions.

"Stay," He demanded with an imperious air that always seemed to make her forget to be mad at him because she found the attitude amusing. 

"I'm tired, Envy."  She said softly and he thought he heard so many other meanings in her words.  Too many in fact, he couldn't sort them out, but the hurt in her tone almost made him flinch. 

"Claris,"  He began, but she held up her hand to stop him, and he's thankful that she did.  Some strange inclination had hit him to offer her happiness with no price tag attached....how...unlike him.

"I can't live a lie.  This has to be enough."  Gently she tugged her arm from his grasp and left him on the bench, stunned.  Her gait slower and even more unsteady now as she moved her feet back to headquarters and her personal lab.

This has to be enough.

 

Her words rattled around in his brain.  What did she mean?  That her life had to be enough?  That he had to be enough?  Envy didn't understand, and not understanding irritated him.  He watched her blonde head disappear in the tree line.  She looked frailer than yesterday, her skin too pale. 

 

He'd known she was dying for years.  It wasn't a surprise to him.

 

He just couldn't figure out why it suddenly mattered.